sexploits in the video camera

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When we first got our video camera I kept teasing my ex to show me his man-part on camera. Well he did and so I decided to give it a little kiss or two. After we were done he erased it.
Fast forward to our vacation. We are taking video of this and that as we travel. For part of the trip we’re staying at his mom’s house. At the end of the day we want to see what we’ve taped. So his visiting aunt, young (about 8 years old) male cousin and step father gather around the TV as we start to watch the tape.
Yep, you guessed it. Part of our sexploits didn’t erase. I think it might have been maybe 3 seconds before he found the stop button, but it was enough. I jumped and covered the cousins eyes. The look on his aunt’s face is forever burned into my brain and his step dad raced upstairs yelling “Sandy, Sam is in a porno movie!” and of course, the rest of the vacation the bastard step father did nothing but tease me about it. Heaven forbid I should have sausage with breakfast without a comment.

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sex store and grocery store

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However, my favorite embarrassing sexual moment was told to me by a friend:
My friend and her then boyfriend went to a sex store and picked up a set of ben wa (forgive spelling mistakes on that) balls. If you don’t know what they are, please look them up, not going to explain.
As they’re driving home she decides to be naughty and puts them in. However they remember they have to stop at the grocery store before they go home. So she takes one out and can’t get the other. She figures well this will be an adventure and just doesn’t worry about it… until it falls out while she’s walking down the aisle of the store.

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Blow job in bathroom

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Me and my ex girlfriend were making the most of her free house for the week, as her parents were away somewhere in Europe. We thought that as her parents were home the following evening, we would get some food, light a fire, watch a DVD, go take a bath together and shag like rabbits while we had the house to ourselves.
Well we got as far as the DVD before we started to get frisky. She really was in a naughty mood and wanted me to do her on the sofa, but we didn’t get a house to ourselves very often and I really wanted to make use of her bath. She agreed, and we got up from the sofa, I took her top off, she took off mine. We were kissing as we were shuffling out of her front room, we got near the window and I checked to make sure that the curtains were closed and they were. I took her bra off, she started to undo my belt and pulled my trousers down. She dropped to her knees and started to give me a blow job, I pulled her up, she dropped sown again and was there for a few minutes.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, a really loud knock that someone makes who wants to let you know that they are there. I heard a voice, it was her mum. My GF threw her top on, and I jumped around with my trousers round my ankles picking up her bra, hiding it under the sofa and trying to get dressed.
I waited a few minutes before I went out to see her parents. Her Dad wanted help with the suit cases in the car, so I said I would help. They parked the car in the car park over the road, as my car had blocked up the last space on their driveway.
Now the car park faces the living room window, and looking in, I found to my horror that I could clearly see the outline of my GF talking to her mother. It turns out that the curtains acted like a projector screen when they were backlit by the fire and simply silhouetted the outline of my GF giving me a blow job, for her parents to see the whole time that they were parking the car and walking to the door. That was the only reason that they knocked, as they had house keys. They never said a word about it and even dropped a few comical hints about coming home early.

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vibrator

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This was back before I was married. My fuckbuddy bought a small vibrator for me to use while he was away. I kept it in the top drawer of my dresser, amongst my socks, bras and underwear.
An old college friend came over for the day to hang out. She was one of those really repressed catholic good girls. When I was with her I put on a half assed good girl routine myself. (I don’t know why, I was young and impressionable I guess). Anyway, when we went to my room I showed her the cool rock collection that I had on top of my dresser. (I had been a geo-major. quite normal to be obsessed with rocks). Anyway, as she was fondling my rocks I noticed my drawer was open and my vibrator was visible. ! I quickly slammed the drawer shut, hoping she hadn’t noticed. Whoops! The force of me slamming it knocked the vibrator against the side of the drawer, and it turned on. Because it was against the wood, not only was there a buzz but also a loud rattle!
I reached in and turned it off in horror as she stared at me. I honestly was so embarrassed that I don’t really remember what I told her it was…

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my friends

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When I was 19, I was going to school and living with my parents, in a house they had just bought. They were renovating my bedroom, and I was sleeping in a small guest bedroom off of the dining room. One night, I saw an old friend from high school, named Jason, whom I hadn’t seen in over a year. In high school I was always crushing on him, and always suspected that he was gay, but he never came out. We were at a party drinking one night, and he didn’t want to go home, so I invited him to stay at my house. We were laying in my bed, and talking. He complained about his back hurting, and I offered to rub it (cheesy, I know), but one thing led to another. At this point it was about 5:30 am. Jason had recently gotten his tongue pierced, and he was going down on me. I had a rather large prince albert, and the two became lodged, when the bar on his tongue ring went through the hoop of my prince albert, and got stuck. He started making all sorts of terrible grunting noises, because the tongue piercing was recent and it was hurting him.
I was on my knees, and him on all fours, and I’ve got my fingers in his mouth trying my damndest to separate the rings. It was about this time I could hear my mother shuffling around in the kitchen, making her morning coffee and whatnot. I started whispering for him to shut the hell up, but he wouldn’t. We were going on being lodged to each other for 10 minutes now.
I’m known in my family as being a heavy sleeper, and I simply cannot wake up to an alarm, so my dad would always wake me up before he left for work, so I’d be to class on time. Just as I’m freeing us, my door swings open and my dad starts, “Mike, it’s time…”, but he sees what I’m doing and slams the door shut. Jason starts freaking out and ends up climbing out the window next to my bed and running to his car. I stay in my room till I know everyone’s gone, and get my shit together and run to school. My dad never brought it up, and neither did I.
About a month later I saw Jason at another party, and being tipsy and horny I tried to convince him to come home with me, but he refused, saying that what happened at my house was the weirdest thing he’s ever been through.
About a month after that, I tried to officially come out to my parents, and my mom freaked, kicked me out of the house, and hasn’t talked to me in almost 6 years. But my dad never looked surprised.

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party

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It all starts at my roommates twenty-first birthday party. I ,being nineteen, am totally stoked to finally have a beer hookup who is not hard to find. Also for about two weeks or so before this I had started hanging out with this girl I knew from high school. She is now going to college in a town about 45 miles south of where I live. So I invite her and some of her dorm friends to come party with us. They show up and there aren’t a lot of people here yet. I try to entertain them, telling stories, showing them pictures that I have saved off of this very website. Things are going smooth and all, and my roommate has finally gotten off work. We crack open the party ball, and like moths to the flame, here come the party-goers. There are bunches of people now just gathering in our house and we’re having a good time.
Now this girl I met in high school always seemed like the nice little innocent girl. I must say though, she could chug beer at a very impressive rate. I was stunned, I mean I could down a beer in about half the time she could, but for a lightweight like her that had been drinking for about a month before that, impressive. Now at some point my friend Lane ends up passing out under my futon. My futon is in our living room and that’s where the party was, so it makes sense for him to pass out there. The birthday boy, the girls, some other partiers and I are now playing kings cup. I’m already super trashed and I end up needing to drink the kings cup.
Now for the disappointing part of the story, all of the build up so far has been to tell you that I was drunk, and that people were passing out in my front room. You see, the girls had brought a weapon against the drunk guys. A designated driver. So the DD decides that these girls have had enough and need to go home. After much deliberation we finally let them leave, and I just continue drinking. Well, about an hour later, now about 4 in the morning, just about everyone is gone. Aside from the passed out group, and the people who actually live here. So I get on my computer to check the e-mail before passing out, when wouldn’t you know it another girl that I know from high school says: “Hey Scott! I’m in IF (Idaho Falls) this weekend.”
My response’ “I’m drunk! Come over!” She tries to decline and I tell her that she should come over because I’m sobering up and I haven’t seen her in a while, then I took another drink of my beer. So I finally convince her to come over, and when she gets here me and the 21 year old are watching some care bears movie he found on his computer. Then he decides to hit the sack. This girl (Ashley) and I sit on my futon and start talking. Then we start doing that whole kissing thing and pretty soon we’re both naked. Now, do you remember Lane’ That’s right, he’s the kid under my futon. This whole time Ashley and I are going at it, Lane is right underneath us. To make matters worse, he didn’t find out until like a month later. The embarrassing part of this story I guess would have to be the fact that two of my friends have both said that this Ashley girl was the size of my futon, and that she looked like she had rammed her face into a wall several times. My only excuse is that I was drunk.

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Pastor’s embarrassing sexual moments

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When I moved to the city where my wife grew up, we started looking for a church to go to together. I was Lutheran, she was Baptist, together we found that we were Methodist. Well, there was a little country church just down the road from the house we were renting so we went there one Sunday. Surprise of surprises, the pastor of the church was someone I had known when I was very young, we were Boy Scouts together and after I obtained my Eagle rank and left the BSA, I lost track of this guy. We weren’t buddy buddies, but we were amicable towards each other.
Fast forward, he’s a preacher now, in the church down the road from my house. It’s a small world. For about three years, the preacher, his wife, my wife, and I became friends. We would go and see movies together on week nights, go to the coast to shop, and after church we would often go out to lunch at one of the nice restaurants in town. Well, as you may or may not know, one of the things I despise about the Methodist church is its need to shuffle clergy around like it was a game of musical chairs. My friend told us that he and his wife had been asked to go to another state and take up a church there. It was kind of a sad time, mainly because I don’t have many friends in life (I prefer it that way) and there are very few people that I really click with. It was even more sad for my wife who had really become friends with the pastor’s wife. My wife is like me, she has few friends out of choice, not circumstance, so here were two people that fit our criteria as being interesting and worth spending time with and they were leaving. Needless to say, we were asked to help them move out of the parsonage.
The moving day went pretty well. They had wisely packed up all of the unmentionables, lacey things and I guess the bad nun costume in one rather large cardboard box that weighed far more than it should have, considering that what inside was the property of a pastor and his wife. I made the off-comment while he and I were moving it that we shouldn’t drop it because the inflatable nun doll with three love openings might pop out. He laughed and said there wasn’t anything like that in there. About that time, one of his pet dogs decided to chase the other pet dog and they ran through our legs, causing us to become unbalanced. He scolded the dogs verbally while his wife and my wife came out to see how things were going. The two dogs nipped and played at me, hopping up on me (these were big dogs, Golden Retriever and a Black Lab, full grown) so standing on their hind paws, they could easily put their front paws on my shoulders and lick my face or stare eye to eye with me. I’m five foot twelve so I’m not a short guy by any means. It was at this time that the second dog decided that since my shoulders and face were taken by the first dog, that he would hop up, put his paws on the box of secret naughty-ness and use that as a stepping stool to give his master some affection.
You guessed it, we both let go of the naughty box in an attempt not to get bathed to death by a pair of super friendly hyper canines. The box landed hard enough to make a small slap of the concrete. Both dogs scattered at the sound, but then we heard it… the unmistakable sound of a sex toy going full throttle.
Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I don’t think my pastor could turn a darker shade of red. His wife ran over to see if we were okay and she heard it and started blushing, because this thing sounded like it was trying to chew its way out of the box. I politely told my wife that she and I should go and get something to drink and we started towards the kitchen. Now, I’ve always been known to carry a folding knife in a nylon carrier on the back of my belt, a nice big Gerber EZ-Out II with quick flip and serrated edge. As we were walking away and the pastor and his wife were trying to figure out how to get the box open and all of the tape off, he asked me in a voice that sounded almost normal.
“Hey, can I borrow your knife there'”
I let him borrow the knife and my wife and I walked away as the pastor and his wife hacked at the tape securing the box. The buzzing faded into the distance and it wasn’t until we got inside the house and my wife and I leaned on each other and busted out laughing. These were good friends, our age so that made us even closer than I guess the traditional pastor – church member was. We joked about that for a while and when my wife asked what I thought it might have been, I told her it was probably a vibrating crucifix to ward off nympho vampires.

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porn collection

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It was sophomore year and my friend Ian had a rather impressive porn collection for someone so young. One night his mom and sister are out (single parent home) and he decides it would be a good time to “treat” himself to a good time. Apparently that meant getting bare ass naked and spreading every dirty magazine he had (and that is a lot, the stack was 3 feet high) around him opened to his favorite picture with him in the middle. About that time his mom came home and went up to his room to let Ian know she had brought dinner home. And there he was…naked surrounded by an obscene amount of porn with a bottle of Jergens next to him. All she could get out was “oh, sorry” and she ran down the stairs. We had skip first period because we were laughing so hard when he told us this the next morning before school. Eight years later and we still give him shit about that.

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have sex in the cellar

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My girlfriend lives in a tiny medieval town in Spain. It’s a really cool place, has a ruined castle, a watch tower on the top of the hill, a big ass cathedral and a kickass cemetery. We were taking a stroll across the ghost town part of the town, and walked up to the watch tower. After standing on the top of it, watching the early sunset, we started making out and grinding a bit, so we looked around and saw that there was a cellar/dungeon to the tower.
Now, this town isn’t really big with tourists, and it was my first time there, and hers too, since she had just moved down there. So we go down the steep steps into the cellar, take off some of our clothes and lay them out on the floor so we don’t get completely covered in ancient dust and stuff.
We’re going at it, and we can’t seem to keep quiet enough. The ground was hard and uncomfortable, and we couldn’t really find a good way to do it there. I hear a small rustle upstairs and freeze. The rustle stopped, so we keep going at it for a bit until we decide to stop, since this is just too uncomfortable. We get dressed, climb up the steps and promptly exit. Right when we’re leaving, we see a woman sitting on the grass looking at the sunset. She turns around to look at us, laughs and faces the sunset again. We then do the only rational thing to do, we walked away really quickly, then ran a bit, then laughed our asses off. Then we told her mother that I had slipped and we both fell, and that’s why our clothes were covered in dust.

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sex toys

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I moved to Tennessee from Texas this past May and had to live with my parents for two months before my apartment was ready. I had mailed all of my belongings via parcel post, sold or gave away my furniture, and flew myself and my two children here. My parents have a big enough house—-five bedrooms. However, it was still a bit cramped. I didn’t have a ton of places to put all of our belongings. I have a few sex toys and the question of where to put these so they wouldn’t be discovered was a difficult one. I ultimately decided to put them in an unused backpack on the top shelf of the closet of the room I was staying in. That’s a safe place, right’ Or so I thought.
It was an early evening in July and we were grilling food on the back patio. The adults had all been drinking a little. I had only had one glass of wine, but my parents had had quite a few. They were standing in the front doorway talking to me while I was in the kitchen. I went in there to talk to them about something, but what it was escapes me now. My kids had been laying down for a nap. It was a bit later than I usually do this, but we had grandparents and other family in town. I had let them stay up to greet them since it was a special occasion. I thought if I gave them an abbreviated nap that they would still go down at night fairly easily.
Enter my daughter, Emily. She is a bright-eyed, lovable, and quite curious four year-old. (She was three at the time.) She was carrying one of my sex toys into the kitchen very nonchalantly like she would carry a stuffed animal. It had been cleaned quite well and was actually a bit dusty from some months of nonuse. She would have had to scale the closet to get to it. Not just any sex toy, but perhaps the most saucy one I had. A 24’’ gellish bright red double dildo…Let’s not focus on that too much, ok’ It use is hardly the point, but its description is necessary to illustrate the story. For all you know, I used it solely as a weapon in mock ninja fights.
My parents and I both stared in shock. I was mortified.
My daughter dropped it and asked what was wrong. I imagine our undivided, curt, and simultaneous attention had prompted the question.
My mother, then being a bit inebriated, burst out laughing. Time seemed to pass much too slowly. She asked what I used that for. She asked if I used it on any of my ex-boyfriends as a number of them had been tall. She went on to elaborate that they may need the extra length for their lengthy colons. My daughter watched on looking concerned. The dildo remained on the floor.
I stared at my mother in disbelief and indignantly grabbed the dildo off of the floor and stomped off. My daughter promptly collapsed onto the floor crying that I had taken away her “snake.”
As if this wasn’t enough, I inadvertently bopped the cat in the head with it. I had stomped off in a bit of a fury and it swung from my hand wildly. Our orange tabby, Sam, was quite pissed at this. He turned his attention to me and his body stiffened. He first tried to bat at it. I noticed him, but I just walked faster. He wasn’t going to let me get away without a fight. He pounced on it. He hugged it with his paws (he is declawed in the front) and sank into it with his teeth. I pulled it away from Sam and proceeded into a tug of war with him. I still had an audience. My step-dad never said a word. He just kept staring. My mom was laughing so hard that she had tears streaming down her face. I eventually got it away from Sam and put it away. My step-dad comforted my daughter while I did so.
What’s worse is that this has been shared with many others in my family. They know it embarrasses me and they won’t let me live it down.

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