my roommate Eamon

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I had two roomies my freshman year. One was normal; a friend from before college that I’d known for years. One was the randomly assigned jackass who we’ll call Eamon. Eamon did nothing but play CS and Diablo2 while eating Goldfish crackers, chewing on beef jerky and drinking Dr. Pepper. Actually, I guess he did at least one other thing.
My roommate walked in on him wanking it. His friend did. His brother did. My friend did. The guy down the hall who was in the room and left on a 3 minute snack run came back to find him beating off. Everyone but me. Thank you Jeebus. Really though, I could have dealt with the fact that he masturbated. Not something I need to see, but The problem was what Eamon did it to. In a dorm situation, it’s obvious that when you’re gone, there will be some searching and poking around on your computer. I hid my porn (which BTW is fairly standard hetero/lesbian/solo stuff) but acknowledged its existence, my good roomie didn’t care (we bought him porn for a thank you gift), and good ol’ Eamon flat out denied having any. Of course upon inspection, he did.
The crowning achievement was not the Coke-can-in-the-ass video, nor was it any of the bondage. No, the champion video consisted of a shot from between the legs of a girl, and then zooming in on her pussy as the apple that was entirely inside is slowly squeezed out. That was creepy, but then it kept going. “Why that’s interesting. This woman’s ass appears to be bulging… how odd! That looks like… no, certainly she doesn’t have an orange crammed inside her asshole. Oh. My mistake, I see now that she did.”

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called my parent’s answering machine during sex

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I was having pretty loud sex with my girlfriend in her parents basement. We both went upstairs and were making small talk with her mother and sister when her mom says just out of the blue “Kate, you have sex hair…HIGH FIVE.”
Also, I once called my parent’s answering machine during sex because of a cell phone in my pocket down by my knees. That was pretty embarrassing.

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most awkward moments in a airport?

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one time i was soo tired in an aipport i was walking to my next flight and had to stop to take a leak…anyways i was barely paying attention and walked into the ladies bathroom (im a dude) without realizing it…anyways i walk in and randomly see two lesbians making out by the one stall and they gave me THE MOST AWKWARD LOOK everrr. i said sorry and ran outta there….ahhhhhh! the worst part is yet to come…i go to get on my flight and who do i pass as im going to my seat…the two lesbos!!!!! they gave me awkward dirty looks the entire 3 hour plane ride…oh mannn!

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The rain and sleet saved my life

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During high school I was dating a cute little Irish Catholic girl who lived in the country. Her dad was a gun owner/enthusiast/nut, a really good guy. I was home from college with my parents in the suburbs for Christmas vacation. A few days before Christmas, I get this call:
“Hey, what’s up'” “Uhm, not too–” [cutting me off]”You know, no one is here for a long while.” [*click*] tires squeal on the wet back roads [cut ten minutes later] doorbell ring “Come on in.”
I walk inside and look around, and she’s nowhere to be found. I go to the stairs, and there she is in her underwear at the top. I start up the stairs, thinking happy thoughts. She disappears into the bathroom, and I follow. Huh, the shower’s running. We strip each other, step into the shower and start at it. And it is good.
[Edited for explicit content. This is a family show, sicko.] Ten minutes later, she stops, stands up [she was, uh, not standing at the time] and yells, “HOLY HELL.” It was a car door, her dad’s truck.
Now I’m filled with thoughts of her dad’s British .303 [with a 10x sight on it] he loves to shoot so much, and his shiny Kimber .45… Then of my parents, sad but understanding [I have two sisters] at my closed casket funeral.
She takes her clothes and bolts out of the bathroom into her room to change. I dry off and dress as fast as I can. I walk down the steps first casually, because it wasn’t uncommon to use that particular bathroom. He was standing in the kitchen. I make small talk, and then he notices my hair’s wet. ‘Fuck,’ I thought. Wait–rain oh sweet Jesus in a breadbasket, it was raining outside. I blurted ‘RAIN’ out, perhaps a little suspiciously. He must have bought it, because I walked out of that house myself.
The rain and sleet saved my life.

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Two embarrassing sexual moments about one girl

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Many years ago when I was sixteen, I had a girlfriend. Her house was fairly large, and her bedroom was at one end of the house and the living room and her parents bedroom was at the other. I was over there one day, and I found myself in her bedroom, enjoying having her legs clenched around my head. Around my ears, so I couldn’t hear a thing. Apparently she was having a fairly good time, because there was a lot of movement and bucking.
Then the movement and bucking stopped. I didn’t, though, and eventually she started enjoying herself again.
After a while, she came, and after some positional change, so did I. Then she told me: her mum had walked in on us, said “Perhaps you should use the lock on your door, Tess,” then about faced and walked out. That was bad enough, but apparently her mother told her father.
If having dinner with someone who knows I have vagina face – her daughter’s vagina, what’s more – wasn’t bad enough, the father said “Steven doesn’t need anything, I hear he ate earlier.”
I turned bright red, the girl looked as though she wanted to hide inside the salt shaker, and her mother laughed and replied “I guess Tess did, too,” then asked me to pass the peas. Nothing more was said.
That girl didn’t last long, but that’s another story involving her fucking other guys while I was overseas for a few weeks. Anyway, not much happened for a while, until a few years later at a friend’s 21st. After not getting any in three years, you’ll jump at anything you can get. Which is exactly what I did. I’d known this girl for all of ten minutes before we started kissing, and five minutes after that she decided it would be a good idea to walk (or stagger) back to her place. I agreed, so 10:30pm saw us sneak into her house. Unfortunately, the staggering up the stairs was not too quiet. I’m fairly sure her mother detected two bodies stumbling up.
Anyway, we got very naked very quickly, and after only a few minutes of blowing me, before I had a chance to even touch her vagina, she whispered “I want you to fuck me.” That’s not an easy request to turn down, so I fucked her. Me fucking her involved her on her back with her legs back as far as they’d go. I was starting to get back into the rhythm (and remember why I fucking hate condoms), when there was a knock at the door. I jumped under the covers and hid, while she somehow managed to hide me with her petite frame. Her mother opened the door and started talking to her about taking the brother somewhere tomorrow, and oh, by the way, why are you back from the pa… OH!
My leg wasn’t hidden. A big, hairy, man leg was sticking out from the bed.
Getting busted results in fairly instant shrinkage. So I got a hummer again, then spent about 8 hours fucking this girl in almost every way imaginable. Eight hours of making babies and blowing numerous loads means I have a sore cock, sore balls, and by the time 7am rolls around, shooting blanks.
Anyway, I left, and arrived home. My mum asked me why I didn’t come home last night… OH!

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sex in the toilet

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A few years ago when I had just gone 16 my family went to a campsite in the south of England somewhere in a tent. Anyway, I made friends with a guy called Tom and we went and picked up some girls in the campsite bar.
It got to about 11.30pm and the bar closed and, this been a campsite, the amenities weren’t all that great so we ended up sitting behind the toilet block on some dew-covered grass.
After 30 mines, Tom had managed to get his hands into the pants of this bird but because it was fucking freezing at midnight in the UK, he wanted somewhere warmer and more private where they could go shag and eventually settled on the disabled toilets as it was just a private, one-toilet room with a lock on the door.
So, they’d been in there about 5 minutes when the security light round the other side of the toilet block turns on and we see a man in a wheel chair come round the corner with his caretaker. They try to get in the toilet but it’s locked so they wait a few minutes before starting to knock on the door. Getting no reply, the caretaker leaves the disabled guy and goes off to find security to open the door (I found out the next day that Tom thought it was me messing about knocking on the door and so they had just carried on fucking).
After about 5 minutes, the security jeep pulls up outside the toilets and 2 security guys (total arseholes) and the caretaker get out. They all walk up to the disabled toilet (the disabled guy is still there) and one of the security guards knocks on the door. There’s no reply again so he gets his master key and opens the door on to these two naked 16 year olds shagging like there’s no tomorrow on the specially-lowered sink.
The security guard just said “I think you better go back to your tents”. The girl started crying and tried to cover herself up, picked up her clothes and ran off but Tom calmly picked up his clothes and walked in to the gents to get changed.
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. I was on the floor struggling to breath I was laughing so hard. Needless to say, their relationship didn’t go any further and the girl made a determined effort to avoid me, Tom, security and the disabled guy for the rest of her holiday.

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you’ve got some moisturizer on your neck

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Had a couple of the awkward sister/parent/etc walking in type moments but the funniest would have be a particularly messy, gluey and explosive load that was intended for the belly and ended up like a chin strap from ear to ear. We had a laugh, a lot of tissues and a long shower were used to clean it all up, and my then gf didn’t think anything more of it.
Until 2 hours into her shift at work which involved standing at a counter serving people at a busy shopping centre, when the girl working next to her said “oh, you’ve got some moisturizer on your neck”. There was still a streak of dried spunk stuck behind her ear from about 3 hours prior.

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embarrassing sexual moments in sleeping bag

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We (myself and friends) grew up during our formative years at a mid-size town on Lake Michigan. Well, seeing as we had a large body of water, we tended to take advantage of some of the amenities it offered: mainly, little islands or islets off our pier where we could have a night of drinking, debauchery, and general lawlessness (see: Lord Of The Flies) since it was the Immoral Eighties and all.
Unlucky for me, for some reason or not (must’ve gotten busted “in coitus” by a parent or something) a group of about five of my friends and their girlfriends went down to the pier with copious amounts of beer looking to either go fishing or “go fishing.”
Well, somehow these knuckleheads found a crappy rowboat somebody obviously left on shore (probably as a ferry to their tax write-off in the marina) and decided to head out to this little uninhabited island (let’s just say the island was so small that I’m sure the Skipper crapped bigger than that on his wayward island stay) to consume beverages and commit crimes against nature.
Luckily for us, our parents were far too trusting back then (early 80’s). Everybody was staying at everybody else’s house (you know, this is the situation you think will fool your unsuspecting parents and somehow unravels and gets you busted) so they stayed there all night (they had brought sleeping bags–foreshadowing for later).
Somehow, they returned to the mainland on the purloined paddleboat, and some went home, some crashed in their cars. But my good friend (let’s call him Mike) decided that he and his girlfriend were going to curl up in his sleeping bag on the sand.
Cut to the next thing Mike remembers. He wakes up and his girlfriend has decided to try to massage the sausage muscle, so being hormone-filled teenagers in a zipped up (and I mean zipped up over the head) sleeping bag, these two start going at it.
After a furious 15 minute session of hide the Salami, my buddy Mike unzips the sleeping bag by his head (he was having oxygen deprivation at this point) to realize that it is 10am and people are out fishing, boating, and enjoying watching a sleeping bag twitch around like an epileptic caterpillar. It didn’t help that their clothing was thrown about “ground zero” and they were totally buck-nekkid in the sleeping bag with people around.
Still a crowd pleaser among the group.

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My hall mate

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There was a girl I’d been kinda seeing from the college down the road from me, and one night whilst very very drunk, I decided that it was about “That time” again. I made the booty call She gets here, and after stealthily ditching my friends while she was in the bathroom, we start going at it. We hadn’t gotten very far at all (the door to my dorm hall was still open actually) and my hall mate comes in asking to grab his guitar which lives in my room. He’s drunk so he probably didn’t notice me and the girl making out, so I just give it to him and use it as an excuse to close the door without being too sleazy
Things start to get a little heavier at this point and we’re full-on sloppy making out with the lights off when my door flings open. I have a single room here in the dorm…so I’m like :WTF: It’s the guy from before with like 3 of my hall mates behind him and he’s asking me “where the FUCK his guitar is!’!’!” I’m visibly pissed off, and I just scream “I already gave it to you, you big fuckwad!” The girl starts cracking up; she has a sense of humor, that’s for sure. I’m just like…gah. Asshole.
I locked the door after that. Someone tried to get in at one point and knocked, and my reply was a very loud “FUCK OFF”, which the girl thought was hilarious.
The best part was, the next morning, my hall mate told me never to lend him the guitar again when he’s that drunk. I told him to make sure he knocks before he comes in my room.
His response’ Why’ You might be naked’
…Jesus. I asked him if he remembered walking in on me with the girl and he was just like, “What’ I did’ Ooops…”
Jackass.

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cops

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A few years back I was at my bf’s house, whom lived with his parents at the time, and we were fooling around. Nothing out of the normal; I wasn’t any louder than normal…
Next thing he notices lights flashing across the ceiling & banging on the door. I didn’t realize what was going on until he put on his pant & ran down the stairs. The cops had rolled up in three of their jeeps, which amounted to four cops total. He yells for his wallet & I threw on my clothes and ran it down the stairs to him. A few minutes later a fourth jeep pulls up & they separate us for questioning. Now, this was the first time I’ve ever been in that situation, and I didn’t know what to expect. Two cops were talking to me & taking my info down, and eventually a sixth cop arrives on a bicycle. A third cop joined us in the kitchen, and at this point I was cracking up; so he decided to be an ass.
Apparently the neighbor thought the place was being robbed which is why she called the cops. The guy kept asking me what we were doing; “Were you playing murder'” blah, blah, blah. All I would tell him is that it was foreplay, since certain “actions” are illegal in NY. I could barely get out the words, I was laughing so hard, and all because he wouldn’t let his “murder game” theory go. The two cops standing behind him started to laugh; you had to be there. He had to have felt embarrassed over being laughed at…he tried so hard to keep the hard-faced look.
It was a little embarrassing on my end, mainly due to the loudness drawing a neighbor’s attention; but it was also an embarrassment for that cop who got laughed at in front of his crew.

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