Keep it down in there

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One day, about a year ago, my girlfriend at the time comes over. Being a sophomore in high school, and therefore living in my parent’s house, we make a quick check to see if anyone is home. Seeing no one, we head to my room. She and I start making out, one thing leads to another, I’m fucking her in my room.
She was not exactly the quietest girl when it came to sex. So, she’s screaming like a maniac, and I hear a loud pounding on the wall, and heard the words that so quickly incited flaccidity: “Keep it down in there!” Now, my bathroom was right next to my bedroom. Unbeknownst to me, when we checked through the house, my brother (14) had just gone into the bathroom. He gave me the weirdest looks for the remainder of the week.

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My ex kinky gf

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Ok, one more quick one. About five years ago was when I met Jodi. She was living in the dorms at a school about an hour from mine, so most weekends I would be found naked in her bed. We were up most of Sunday night one weekend shortly after we’d met, drinking Firewater, and doing unmentionable things with our bodies. That girl was kinky as hell, but I digress.
So we both collapse around 4AM, and I had no classes Monday morning, so I was looking forward to sleeping in until noon, waking up and driving back for my 3pm class. I wake up at 6am to a knock on the door.
Jodi: “who is it'” “it’s your father”
—now I know what you’re thinking. bear with me.—
neither of us really thought it was him. we thought maybe it was the guy down the hall, who we were both good friends with. it sounded like him. it really did. I wish it had been.
so Jodi gets up and wraps up in the sheet, which had long since been thrown onto the floor in the heat of one of the many moments that weekend. she opens the door and I’ll be goddamned if the biggest frenchest lumberjack I’ve ever met wasn’t standing there looking pissed off, holding a coffee in one hand and a McDonalds bag in the other.
dad: “I’m doing a lecture on forestry today and thought you mi… who’s in your bed’ is that Andrew'” Jodi: “no daddy, I’m not dating him anymore”
–so now not only has her father just caught a naked college boy in bed with his daughter, he’s just learned that his daughter is a slut. and wait, who’s this Andrew guy’
daddy dearest storms off, looking more pissed off than he was when he arrived, and I ask my girlfriend about Andrew. oh yeah, turns out she was engaged. she was looking for a way to break it off with him. I was that way. kinda off topic, but I thought I’d share.
follow-up: we dated for a year or so, and I broke up with her because neither of us was willing to move to be closer. she’s now engaged to a guy who looks exactly like me. creepy, huh’ my doppelganger is marrying my ex girlfriend.

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Her mom came in when we were…….

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I was 17 in my junior year in high school. I had a steady girlfriend, and we had been going at it for at least a year. You know how it was back when you didn’t have your own place and lived with your parents: any window of opportunity was taken advantage of.
We were at my girlfriend’s house in the spring of ’84 (yeah, I’m old) and her mom had left to go run some errands. So that meant it was time to start humping! Usually we both keep quiet enough to hear the return of a parental unit and disengage, but this time we totally screwed the pooch (pun unintended) and didn’t hear her mom come home, come up the stairs, and open my girlfriend’s bedroom door.
What did she get an eyeful of’ My athletic ass and unit thrusting into her youngest daughter (we didn’t have the covers on)at a furious rate. All she said was “All right now!”
There is no quicker way for your jimmy to shrink up than to get walked in on by your girl’s mom. So, in a panic and hoping to avoid her mom (my girl’s bedroom was on the second floor), I start looking for windows to jump out of and drain pipes to use to scurry to safety, figuring I’d let the situation have some time (read: cowardly as hell) to diffuse. It was definitely the “fight or flight” instinct, but I was thwarted by the fact that the roof outside my girlfriend’s room had too steep a pitch.
So we’re talking: Me: “I’ve gotta get out of here” GF: “Where are you going to go’ You can’t climb out the window.” Me: “I don’t know, but it wasn’t your ass your mom saw screwing the hell out of you.”
So, cooler heads prevailed and I didn’t make like Spiderman. When I thought the coast was clear, we made a break for it, thinking we could find safe refuge at my house or anywhere, for Christ’s sake. I just couldn’t face her mom.
Well, we didn’t make it, as I think her mother was lying in wait. I didn’t say anything as I got the business about being careful (condoms) and all that motherly crap. I had never been so embarrassed in my life.

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trying to get it up

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A few years ago in college, my roommate’s girlfriend was having her 21st birthday. The rule at the time was when someone turns 21, everyone has to get as drunk as possible at their party so the person turning 21 doesn’t have to feel so bad about waking up in a puddle of their own vomit.
My girlfriend at the time was the prettiest girl I had ever dated and I was insanely attracted to her. She was also a lightweight and when it came to drinking, she’d have two drinks and then claim to be totally drunk even though everyone could see that she wasn’t, which is probably a smart move around asshole guys who try and rape drunk girls but I didn’t get why she did it around my friends who obviously weren’t like that. She showed up at the party and proceeded to start drinking. Mind you, by the time she showed up, I’d had about 8 drinks and was working on my 9th. By the time we went into my bedroom and barricaded the door for a little mid-party sex, a big group of people had moved into my roommate’s room, which was immediately next door, behind a pretty thin wall.
Now, I was completely, extremely drunk. By this time I had had maybe 12 drinks and was barely lucid. Still, I wanted ass, so we started screwing around, got naked, and she tried to get me up.
Wouldn’t work. Way, way, way, way, way too wasted. After the first try I hear from next door a HUGE peal of laughter from about 15 people coming through the wall like they were in my damn room. lolling like never before. Jesus fucking Christ I was embarrassed. Turns out they had no idea what I was doing (or rather did and didn’t care), they were watching my roommate play Typing of the Dead which has questionable English (and were all really wasted), so they were laughing pretty hard.
My girlfriend kept trying to get it up and they managed to pick just the right time to start laughing really hard again. We had a laugh track while I couldn’t get it up for her. A studio audience. Constant laughing while she struggled to bring me up. It never came up, of course, and so we wound up just going to sleep after about 8 trillion apologies on my part.
Next day everything was fine, and I thought it was really really funny in hindsight, even though she didn’t.

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burped in a gril’s mouth

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I once burped in a girls mouth while making out. It was because I had been chewing so much gum I swallowed all my spit and bubbles.
I just said “oh, excuse me” and got right back to it.

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Running from her own asshole

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My Ex really loved laying on her stomach while I fucked her from behind. Things got really slick one time, and she shifted a fraction of an inch and it went from one hole to the other. She launched out from under me (I seriously don’t know how she did it) and spent the next ten minutes running from her own asshole.
After the first five minutes, I couldn’t hold back the laughter. She also had a slight cold, that developed into a bad cold the next day. Every time she coughed, sneezed, or sniffled, she winced and I’d just laugh. I felt bad, but it was just too funny.

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Pretty girl but smelling

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A friend of mine had hooked me up with a friend of his girlfriend, “L”, and we got on pretty well. Very well in fact, as on my second visit to her home she told me she wanted me to fuck her. Her parents went out to the pub with some friends in the early part of the evening, her mum leaving us with a very deliberate “Have fun whilst we’re gone, but be safe” and a wink.
The slight trouble was L’s younger sister (I was 21, L was 18, the younger sister was about 8). We eventually convinced her to go off to bed, and L decides its time to get it on, but just to be sure that her sister doesn’t interrupt us she wants to screw in the bathroom, with the door locked. So we get in there, strip and snog, have a little fiddle and she bends over the bathtub. I start fucking, and after about a minute realize that there’s a problem.
L has a stank ass. And just so I’m being clear here, her ass was smelling, and bad, and the more I fuck, the worse it gets. This is totally putting me off, and I’m desperately trying to work out how I can cut this short and get the fuck away from this non-wiping non-showering girl.
*knock knock* “L, are you in there’ I need to use the toilet, and where’s Jeet'”
Its the little sister. L looks at me in a panic and tells her sister that she is using the bathroom and that she should use the other toilet. Once we hear the door close to the other loo, I dis-mount, now thankfully flaccid, and throw my clothes on. L starts apologizing and telling me how good it was, and all I can say is something like “yeah, it was fun, but I should really go”. I give her a kiss and thunder out the toilet, then the front door, and rapidly make my way home.
I get about halfway when I realize that I was in such a rush I forgot to take off the condom, and stick my hands down my pants to get it out, then hurl it onto the train tracks I’m walking past.
I saw L a couple of times after that, but we never had sex again. I made decent excuses and we broke up a couple of weeks later, when I realized she had a brain the size of a pea.

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My embarrassing sexual moments in the island

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My family has a summer house on an island called Koster. Koster resides about 180 kilometers north of where I live, outside a little town called Strömstad. In the summers Koster turns into a big ol’ party island, with lots of alcohol and rich Norwegians bringing their mega-yachts over to buy our relatively cheap alcohol and such. I enjoyed spending the summers there, so much in fact that I decided to spend my whole 10 week summer vacation up there. Since my dad and step mom only spend 4 weeks per summer up there, I’d have the place to myself for 6 weeks. Fucking awesome.
I took a nice job renting bikes to people wanting to see the island, the job was easy, lots of sun, lots of things to look at. Put a lot of money in my own pocket and had the house to myself, life was good. I know most of the locals on the island before, but since I’d only spent a few weeks at a time there I only knew them so much. One local in particular seemed interested in me, her name was Hanna. She was decent looking, and we spent some time together chatting around, and then one day I invited her to come back down to my hometown for a friend’s birthday. Long story short we hooked up that night and continued to do so when we returned back to the island.
No, saying we hooked up would be wrong. We fucked like rabbits. Every single day several times a day, I was sore all the time and we’d keep going at it. At the time we were sleeping in my parent’s bed, using it for our nightly escapades. After 3 wonderful weeks of constant copulation, my step mom was coming up with my 3 brothers to stay in the house. I pulled the sheets off the bed and put them on the floor of the room and headed off to work.
I came home to my whole family laughing at me, somehow my step mom had mistaken our extremely crusty sheets for clean ones and picked them up and started folding them, and found a gigantic fucking wet spot from the night before. Me being 16, I turned about as red as the reddest tomato and tried to play it cool. It didn’t work. My 3 brothers immediately told Hanna about their find and she started crying and yelling at me. The whole island found out within 2 days thanks to my brothers’ tabloid-like gossip. It was a disaster.
Looking back on it, it’s not that bad and rather funny, but being an angsty 16 year old and having this happen to you is no fun.

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My first time in sex

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Well, me and this girl had been seeing each other for about 6 months. In that time we had gone from Shy kissing, to “under the shirt, over the bra” fondling, to dry humping, to oral, to clothes off Sixty-nine. One day, while we were both on my futon (classy) after going down on her, naked and breathing hard, I decided to take a risk and go for the big one. So in my most convincing and romantic tone I think I’ve ever used I said “Do you think I can…just to see what it feels like'” I know, I know, you’re thinking. “God, I wish I was that charming and aloof. How could anyone NOT fall in love with this guy!”
Since I had about three months practice of going down on her an average of twice-a-day compared to all her other boyfriends none-a-day EVER, she was pretty receptive to whatever I wanted to do to her. A nod later and I was awkwardly loving her.
I wasn’t wearing a condom (6 month relationship, I had some trust, she was on the pill, and I knew it) and years of propaganda that if you didn’t wear a condom then your life is OVER had made me nervous as the time to finish was approaching. In my defense I tried to warn her. “ugh, I think I’m gonna…” Being my first time I wanted to try every position so at the moment of lift-off she was on top, facing away from me. I put my hands on both of her buttocks and in a panic I pushed (I thought, gently), and she went flying like the Coyote in a Roadrunner cartoon. Her arms pin-wheeled and her legs kicked out.
Time froze like in those bad movies. Then it started in slow motion. She was in mid-air looking like a grenade had gone off behind her. Her blonde tresses flowing behind and the expression on her face hidden from me (thank God). She landed on the sheets and pillows we had kicked off the futon. It didn’t help that she had emotional vulnerability issues with sex, so she started crying. I tried to apologize and console her in my naked and withering state.
The next day we made up for XX years of virginity (ha ha late starter) in a marathon of a least 4 hours. I guess we realized that nothing worse could happen than the first and last time I tried the “withdrawl” method on a girl taking contraceptive pills in a monogamous relationship. We lasted two years.

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My grandma came in when we were…..

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I’m a freshman in college, home on winter break. It’s December and ironically, still seeing the same girl (for awhile at least, the pastures quickly got greener at college). My grandmother was living with us as she was in her late 70’s and had broken a hip before and didn’t get around so well, so she really needed to live with someone. So my brother, dad, grandmother, and I (parents divorced) all lived together, at least when I wasn’t at school.
Well, I had a TV in my room and my girlfriend was over. It was December, and the NFL had started playing games on Saturdays, so I used “We’re watching the football game in my room” as a ploy to keep my grandmother (no one else was home)from getting suspicious to my real plot: to get some. Typically, my grandmother would be veeeeery slow coming up the stairs and would make enough noise that you could avoid getting busted rather easily.
Well, my grandmother was in stealth mode that day. As I’m standing up and my girl is doing a fantastic job of performing oral homage to me, my grandmother walks up to the door and sees this. Yikes!!! My grandmother saw me getting a knobber (not that she wasn’t fairly sure I was sexually active, but that’s a far cry from having her view this.)
All she said was, “excuse me” and left.
Now, my girl is looking for a window, but it had snowed and she wasn’t all that athletic. I told her to not to worry about it, I don’t know how much my grandmother had seen. And grandma never mentioned that situation ever, at least to my knowledge.

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