Caught in the nude


Ooh, I have to tell this very embarrassing story that happened to my little brother Scotty! The kid was just eight at the time. For his birthday that year, my grandma gave him a subscription to Highlights, which he loved because he was a good reader and he loved its funny stories. He constantly read to us from it, especially Goofus and Gallant. Every Friday night we all got home late from my dad’s softball game at the community center, and we were all tired by then so we never had the energy to check that day’s mail. So Saturday mornings, which was when Scotty’s Highlights magazine came every month, my little brother would pop outside way too early in the morning for anyone else to be up, and check to see if his magazine was in the mailbox. We’re talking 6 or 7 in the morning.

One night at my dad’s ballgame, Scotty had gotten so dirty just sliding in the dugout with a few of his friends that mom told him he had to take a bath before he went to bed. But he was really tired, like every Friday, so after taking his bath he just tumbled into bed without even putting on his pajamas.

The next day was Saturday, his day to check for his Highlights magazine, remember? Only Scotty was so excited to get out there and grab it that he didn’t even want to take the time to put on his clothes for the day first! It’s not like it would have taken long, since my mom already had his clothes laid out every day. But this was where Scotty decided to take a little risk. The mailbox in our house is part of the house, built into the brick, so it wasn’t a huge risk for him to dash out there with nothing covering his body, grab the mail and come back inside. Plus, it was 6 or 7 A.M. Who was going to see? It was more a little riskette, not a full risk. So bless that kid, Scotty decided to try it.

Of course, if it all went like he planned, I wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t even know he went outside to get the mail in the nude! When Scotty was on his tiptoes, reaching around in the box for his magazine–and by the way, he never used to grab all the mail, just his Highlights–the front door slammed shut. On hot nights dad always leaves the back door open which makes a draft. Even I could have told Scotty that the draft would shut the front door on him! I still wonder what he was thinking right then, when he saw he was outside, in the nude, with only his precious Highlights magazine to hide himself! I bet his huge brown eyes went as wide as saucers! The door wasn’t bolted, but it was locked. My little brother was trapped out there!

If only Scotty knew the reason the door had slammed was that the back door was open, he could have sneaked in that way and avoided so much embarrassment! But he didn’t know. He was afraid to yell for my mom and dad to open up, because what if someone in one of the other houses heard? Scotty had six kids in his class who lived on our block back then, four of them little girls! So he stood there nervously, doing his best to hide his bare body with the Highlights magazine, hoping one of us would wake up and save him before the rest of the neighborhood got up!

Only it didn’t work out like that for Scotty. Before long there were lots of people out on early morning walks who went by the front of our house and saw him standing there practically in the nude! He was embarrassed beyond belief, especially when his friend Jill, one of the six kids in his class from our block, came walking on by with her dog! She thought my little brother’s very embarrassing situation was so funny, and she didn’t walk away! Just by standing there and watching him, she kept that bare kid pinned up against the side of the house, his magazine held tight against his body with trembling hands, not even able to turn around or she would see his backside! Jill was a promising prankster even then, and she didn’t even say a word to Scotty about him being in his birthday suit. She just kept talking to him like everything was ordinary, and meanwhile he was there squirming in major embarrassment!

At probably about 8:00 I woke up, ate my breakfast and went outside through the back door. Think how shocked I was when I came around front and saw my shy little brother standing there on the front steps, in the nude, with just his Highlights magazine clutched desperately against his bare body to hide himself from the eyes that were on him! It wasn’t just Jill out there looking now, either. I bet there were six or seven kids gathered around Scotty, most of them girls under 12 years old! I didn’t even know one or two of them! And you have to understand, my brother Scotty was this super cute little kid back when he was 8, even more than he is today, with these big brown eyes and really light brown hair that looks almost blond. Even I thought he was cute, and I was his sister, who found him totally annoying half the time! So him standing there outside, with such skimpy cover for his nude body and him such a little cutie, I’m not surprised it attracted the neighborhood girls like magnets! There was also a husband and wife and their toddler daughter, I assume. They looked like they wanted to do something to help my brother, but they didn’t know what, and it’s not like they could tell all these kids they didn’t know to go home and stop looking at him! I went over to Scotty and yelled at him to explain what he thought he was doing! Remember, I had no idea what was going on, I just woke up and found him this way! He tried to explain, but he was stuttering and making no sense and he looked so totally embarrassed that I just led him around back, making sure to keep the side of him covered by the magazine pointed at his audience, which were choking with laughter. After I got him inside and he explained the story to me, still stuttering a lot and looking so embarrassed about everything, I couldn’t stop laughing. He was such an idiot to try getting the mail in the nude, even if he was a cute little idiot!

That was Scotty’s embarrassing moment. I just had to tell someone about it! I kind of wish there was some way I could have seen the whole thing, too! It would have been so funny to see him out there in the nude in front of our house, desperately trying to hide himself with his favorite magazine from a growing group of girls, embarrassed beyond belief and having no idea when he might be rescued! It taught him never to check the mail in the nude again, that’s for sure. I wish I had it all on video, just so you could all see how very, very, very embarrassed my brother looked as this all was happening! For that one perfect day, my brother was much more Goofus than Gallant, and that’s how I always bring it up to him, as his “Goofus Moment”!

Peace out!